Information Technology Dark Side

Not too long ago I wrote about forbidden phrases, words you sometimes feel you’re not allowed to say. I listed “I don’t know” and “I’m sorry” as two phrases you’re just not allowed to use in some corporate IT environments. Over the weekend, I had an experience with my good friend Mike Kelly (you can read all about it on his blog) that prompted me to add one more phrase to my list of things you’re not allowed to say but should say anyway. No it’s not the “eff” bomb. I’ve never seen a work environment where you couldn’t get away with that occasionally, as much as I hate the word.

I’m talking about admitting that you are angry. It’s not cool in a professional setting to say something along the lines of “this is really starting to piss me off.” People don’t like that. And they will never admit they are mad, even if their shouts can be heard to buildings over. Try this sometimes, just to prove this point. Next time someone behaves in a way that the average rational person will associate with anger, say this: “I’m sorry that I’m making you angry.” What’s the first thing they’ll say?

“I’m not angry. It’s just that you…” insert blame statement here.

This is so flipping unhealthy. It’s much better to just tell the truth! If something makes you angry, admit it. You don’t have to be mean about it, and it won’t help if you associate feeling angry with being right, because, trust me, one doesn’t equal the other. Usually, anger is a response your body produces to a situation that feels dangerous to you. It doesn’t even mean the other person has done anything wrong, but for some reason whatever situation you’ve found yourself in is threatening to you. Probably not in a physically violent way though. Most often, anger means that your social status is being threatened. Maybe you think someone is making you look like an idiot, or maybe their decisions are making it harder for you to be successful or usurping your authority.

Here’s a speaking pattern I recommend you try when you’re angry. Don’t do it unless you can do it honestly though, because then instead of being just angry you’ll also be duplicitous AND mad, which is even worse. Mad liars are big trouble. Here’s what I recommend you try. Say it to yourself before you say it out loud, just to make sure it feels true.

“Something about this situation is making me feel angry. Maybe it’s not right for me to be angry about anything, but at the moment I can’t really help it.”

Then talk about the behavior that is making you feel angry. Or simply ask to drop the subject and come back to it later. Either way, it’s a lot healthier than ignoring the way you feel.

Don’t expect everyone to respond well to this. Most people aren’t used to their co-workers making admissions of this sort. Some will feel threatened by it, others will feel embarrassed. Don’t worry about it. If you can find a way to be honest and still be productive and respectful the others will come around. Eventually they too will feel comfortable admitting they’re hacked off at you, and then defensiveness as a whole will be reduced.

One word of warning. Some control freak managers will write you up for admitting your angry. Any admission of weakness on your part makes them look bad, and they will punish you for it. Screw them. Go find a new boss.

Stumble it!