How To Be An Expert
January 28th, 2007 · 5 Comments
Here are top behaviors of self-proclaimed experts I’ve observed:
Use expert words. “Actually” and “obviously” are the two most important expert words. The average expert will actually say “actually” two times in every sentence, especially when describing product features.
Interrupt everyone. You’re an expert – your opinion is what matters. Who cares what people who don’t say “actually” twice a sentence actually think. They’re not experts and must be silenced.
Be clairvoyant. You don’t have to read proposals to know they suck. Just look at them. Feel their vibes and call them UGLY
NEVER do research. Research is how non-experts find out what experts like you think. The minute YOU do research, you cease to be an expert. We can’t let that happen.
Be simplistic. Boil every problem down to a meaningless platitude or hapless rule of thumb. Not sure what a system does? Don’t find out (heavens no), just think of some simplistic capability it might possess and call it good.
Be creative. Know everything about everything, even if you don’t. You’ve got enough experience (since you’re an expert) that whatever you make up is bound to be better than the truth!
Argue with other experts, even when you agree with them. Noisy dialog can hide the truth like few things can – bury the expertise of others in frivolous debate.
Never do anything. Expertise is for strategy, not real work! Stay as far away from the real problems that plague your organization as you can.
Don’t forget the mirrors! People can find their way through smoke if you let them. It’s not enough to just obfuscate reality behind excessively complicated analysis. You must also make the results unreliably non-definitive.
Experts suck.
PS. Ganondorf is still not dead, although I have fought him several times this weekend. Aargh.
Stumble it!
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5 responses so far ↓
1 Mike Kelly // Jan 28, 2007 at 9:23 am
I wonder… What brought this about?
2 dave // Jan 28, 2007 at 12:50 pm
This is actually a theme I’ve been pondering ever since my career began. Really, there are a great many experts out there (like you, Mike) who are extremely valuable people and are beneficial to the organizations they serve and are not at all like the experts I mention above. To them, I confess, this post is not about you. As a general rule, you didn’t set out to convince the world you were experts, only to be as good as you possibly could be at whatever it is you do to pay for dinner. If I’m ever an expert at anything, I hope it’s because I’m actually good at something.
There are another breed of experts as well though, who seem more interested in being considered experts than in being good at something. This post is a sarcastic, unapologetic salute to them and the bad behavior I’ve observed them use over a decade of watching “experts” come and go.
3 Ben // Feb 6, 2007 at 1:34 pm
Be careful Dave: you actually said “actually”.
Actually, it should be obviously apparent that my favorite word is “however”. Wow, those experts must be good. It actually ain’t that easy to repeatedly use “actually” and “obviously”. If I were actually an expert, I would obviously have no trouble using “actually” and “obviously”.
4 dave // Feb 6, 2007 at 3:18 pm
LOL!
5 My IT News Blog » Blog Archive » Posted on TechDarkSide.com - How To Be An Expert // Feb 9, 2007 at 4:10 pm
[...] Here are top behaviors of self-proclaimed experts I’ve observed: Use expert words. “Actually” and “obviously” are the two most important expert words. The average expert will actually say “actually” two times in every sentence, especially when describing product features. Interrupt everyone. You’re an expert – your opinion is what matters. Who cares what people who don’t say […] Read more… [...]
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